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Decision Time — Arrival — October 26

Made the phone call this afternoon to Dr. J’s office to book an appointment — it’s for tomorrow afternoon. Funny, still struggling with what to call it. Part of me calls it helping her to move to a better place. To a place where she’s no longer in pain and can once again move with that awesome grace that is Maggie. She flows when she walks, when she trots, when she runs. Well she did before this week. Now she moves, for the most part, on three legs and it looks so painful.

There’s a small part of me wants to call the appointment murder — I’m making a decision to release an another being’s soul from its physical body. It’s like playing ‘God’. What a horrible feeling. I don’t want to be ‘God’. I don’t want to have make this decision. Even though I know that Maggie is fortunate that I can end her pain and suffering now. That I can have her last few days here as pain free as possible, as comfortable as possible, to have her go before this thing that’s growing in her body causes her even more pain. So much is written and said about how awful the pain is with bone cancer. I realize that I’m really fortunate that I can ensure Maggie doesn’t have that experience. But still part of me doesn’t want to make it. Such a struggle.

Made the decision. Made the phone call. Can’t say I made it without crying… Called clients and rescheduled. Everyone was so kind and so understanding. Can’t say I did that either without crying… Called to cancel Maggie’s chiropractic appointment — both of us were in tears.

Called Barb, Maggie and Tara’s puppy sitter, to let her know and see if she wanted to come and say good bye to Maggie. She came over around 3:30. I took Tara out for a 10 minute walk to give Barb and Maggie some alone time. When I got back, Barb had gotten Maggie to eat some liver treats. Yeaaaaa! Then I got her to eat some dried chicken strips. Yeaaaaaa! Within an hour she ate 24 Wellness Chicken and Venison squares. So I was able to give her some Metacam. Also gave her some Tremedal and another dose of the homeopathic remedy she started having this afternoon. So Maggie is now settled and sleeping on the loveseat. Our goal, A. is working so closely with me on all of this, is to get Maggie as comfortable as possible for the next 24 hours. That’s obviously been our goal all along. Maggie does look comfortable now as she sleeps. She’s been awake all afternoon and did a fair amount of shifting around and moving, especially five hours after the last Tremedal dose.

All in all we had a good day. I went into the office for a couple of hours and left Maggie and Tara at home. Knew I couldn’t focus on my clients or make the calls I needed to make if I was looking at Maggie. Other than that we were together sitting on the deck all morning and afternoon. The rain was very kind and held off until 5 p.m. So much nicer to be able to sit outside.

The pain is almost numbing….actually, the pain is numbing….thank God because when I’m not numb is so awful.

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