Be prepared for the roller coaster ride this journey will take you on. Feeling ecstatic one moment and then overwhelmed with sadness the next. Laughing out loud and then sobbing uncontrollably.
There is such joy when I’m watching Maggie and Tara play, when Maggie’s chasing after a squirrel with the utmost intent, when she’s totally focused on a chipmunk who is watching her from a tree limb and chattering away, when I walk in the door and she runs to greet me with that smile and her eyes sparkling, when I wake up in the morning and she lifts her head to say good morning, when I run down the stairs in the morning and she looks up at me to see what’s happening — whether she’ll be going to the office with me or if I’m leaving her for the day and the look of joy when I ask “want to go to the office”. There are so many of those wonderful moments and I thank the Universe for each and every one.
But then I remember that those amazing moments are so numbered. That she won’t be there forever like I’d really hoped in my heart — never thought my heart was totally realistic but that’s another entry….
The pain is so strong. So overwhelming. The tears just start to flow. It feels like my heart is breaking into a million little pieces. Even now, as I’m typing this, the tears are flowing. As I sit in this moment of pain I know how important it is to honour it. To allow it to be. To be OK with feeling it. To sit in it and move into it’s core and then it will slowly disolve and I’ll be back at those moments of love and joy.
While going along this roller coaster ride and honouring my needs and my authentic self, I recognize that it’s important to also be aware of any stress this may cause Maggie. Dear sweet Maggie who is so tuned into my every thought and feeling. If she is there when I’m crying I let her know that I love her and that I’m sad at the thought of not having her in my life and that these are my emotions and they’re healthy for me to have and that she does NOT have to take them on. That is not her job right now. I might say it to her out loud, I might just think it. Either way I feel it’s important for her to not be stressed by my stress. Dog are intuitive. They understand much more than we give them credit for. I also know that part of her is glad that I’m finally able to be more like her — authentic 🙂
So I know that this moment of sadness will pass and be healed and there will be another moment of feeling joy. Likely to be followed by another moment of sadness….and the roller coaster will continue with the length of each up and down changing as we go along this journey.
I know too that this pain about her death is the flip side of the love that I have for her and the life she and I have had together. If I didn’t love her so much, I wouldn’t feel this pain. I wouldn’t trade a moment of that love for anything else in the world!