October 1st — Tonight is a low point on the roller coaster ride. The journey, living through this, is getting harder. If that’s possible. Today was the worst day so far for Maggie and I only hope it is the worst day she ever has. She was still bright and cheerful but obviously in some pain as she hardly put any weight on her leg and slept a fair amount. She did have moments of chasing squirrels across the back yard. She’s had such a good appetite the last few months so I hated to see her not eat her breakfast or much of her dinner. She did eat a couple of boiled chicken breasts and 3/4 of a tin of salmon and some yogurt so at least she had something but few vegetables and hardly any of her morning vitamins.
It’s so hard to watch her and when I was talking with A. tonight about different remedies it really hit home that this is happening. That Maggie is dying. I hate to even put the words out there but the fog of denial seems to have lifted tonight and reality came back with a vengenance. This horrible crappy painful reality — is that what we are doing is helping to make her as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. Wow, it hurts. It really, really hurts. I think of what this house will be like without her bouncing around in it. The tears just don’t want to stop….I wonder where I’ll get the strength to watch her go through this. To be there for her. To be there with her.
She was so happy in the woods this morning and then paid for it all day. Guess the running around was just too much for her leg. So I have to chose between letting her run in the woods and be happy, and being in some pain for the rest of the day. Wonderful. Guess we’ll alternate days between leash walks and woods for now and hopefully that will give her happiness and less pain. The time I’ve spent over the last few years, learning to recognize and trust my intuition will certainly come in handy as we go through these experiences.
We will keep looking for a remedy that will help ease the pain and we’ll give Maggie Metacam until we find it. I know it’ll involve changing remedies frequently as we go through this journey. Which in and of itself is a mini-roller coaster. When a remedy works and she’s symptom free it feels like she’s completely healthy and then pain appears and I know she’s not….
I thank Heaven for my spiritual beliefs and know that I’m not alone and neither is Maggie. I pray for strength, compassion, and the ability to be clear-headed and make decisions that are best for Maggie. And for Tara. She too is struggling with what is going on. That too tugs at my heart strings, which tonight feel like they are breaking…..