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Life on Hold? Martyr??

A wonderful friend came to visit last night — not sure if it was more to visit Maggie or me ūüôā either way I’m so glad she did. We had a conversation that has transformed my outlook on life! For that I’m eternally grateful!!

As we were sitting on the kitchen floor with Maggie (not sure why we couldn’t have done this on a more comfortable surface but anyway…) F. asked me “Have you put your life on hold for Maggie?”

My response last night was “yes”.¬†F. said she would do the same thing which I found really supportive since other people have ‘counselled’ me to go about my life as usual. Maggie would be fine. Not sure how I would do that or why since it would mean not having some of the amazing experiences we’ve had the last couple of months. Also, Maggie wants to be with me more now than ever before.

Anyway we talked about what “having my life on hold looked like”.¬†For me it means working from my office much more (less time at an out of town client); recently taking a sabatical from my therapy work in Toronto;¬†having friends visit me at home rather than meeting out someplace; spending more time with Maggie and Tara and less time working, e.g. going to the beach at lunchtime on a beautiful fall day, taking 20 minutes during the day and having a walk around the neighbourhood; taking Maggie to the chiropractor much more often; talking with A. frequently about what homeopathic remedy we are going to give Maggie that day or that time of the day; watching Maggie and being in tune with how her ‘body’ is and how her ‘spirit’ is throughout the day — even more than I normally do; doing less research on ‘therapy’ issues; attending fewer workshops/lectures; not getting some workshop material or new ‘therapy’ sessions prepared….

F. and I talked about how long this could continue and I said I honestly didn’t know. I’d wondered the same thing because I felt it was draining my energy and I wasn’t doing all I “should” be doing and I just didn’t know how much longer I could live like this.

As I was thinking¬†about our conversation this morning I realized — Whew, what a martyr I am!!!! I became aware of how negative my perspective was.

I realized¬†that I haven’t put my life on hold. Rather, I’ve chosen to spend more time with Maggie, and less time on other things,¬†because I know we don’t have much time left. The diagnosis was 2 to 3 months and no matter how much I’m fighting that and doing everything I can to not buy into it, I realize it’s not within my control. I can do everything I can to make this time comfortable, fun, loving, and peaceful for Maggie but this is her journey. Not mine. So once again, I’m learning the lesson of ‘control’ and letting go.

Anyway, back to putting my life on hold. I’m not putting my life on hold. I’m going down a different path than I imagined a few months ago. But then a few months ago, I was busy grieving my Dad, and thinking about work, and my move out west. My focus has changed. Maggie, and Tara, are my primary focus. I chose that focus for now, given what the Universe has handed me.

Really when I think about it even more, that’s what life is all about. It’s about taking different paths. It’s about change and transformation. In January as I reviewed what 2010 would look like for me,¬†I had no idea: that I would be working in Toronto one day a week; that my Dad would leave¬†me, in human form, in May;that my cousin in England would drop everything and come here to be with me when Dad was dying;¬†that I would go out west for a holiday and buy a house; that I would plan to move out west in 2010; that I would be teaching Georgina’s Past Life Course at the National Hypnosis Guild’s Annual Conference; that Maggie would be diagnosed with osteosarcoma and given 2-3 months to live; that I would go to the Mover and Shakers workshop and get the idea to do this blog; that I would do this blog!; that I would meet the wonderful friends and colleagues I’ve met so far this year; that my bonds with most of my existing friends and colleagues would grow stronger; that I’d reconnect with some really¬†good friends; that a very good and dear friend would chose to no longer be in my life; that another very good and dear friend would move two hours away; and I’m sure there are many more things that have occurred in my life that didn’t fit into my ‘plans’ and that this trend will continue because it’s likely always been there I’ve just never thought about it.

If I had any need for confirmation that I’ve a strong “Martyr” part to me¬†(or subpersonality as we say in therapy) all I have to do is go back a¬†couple of days when Maggie and Tara didn’t eat their¬†home cooked stew. My thoughts were “how can you not eat this? don’t you realize how hard I’ve worked to make this for you? how I could have been doing something else but instead I chopped and cooked for you? ” Yea, my “Martyr” was alive and well!

So I’m going to shed the ‘martyr’ cloak because all it’s doing is weighing¬†me down. I’m taking back my power from my ‘Martyr’. I’m going to acknowledge that I’m happy doing what I can for Maggie and that focus is what is bringing me joy. I’m going to be more grateful that the Universe had allowed me the flexibility to do this! So thank you F.! Thank you Universe! Thank you Maggie!

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